For Shelter, the World

Integrity and deep truth

The PlanetWaves February "Eriscope" for Pisces, written by Eric Francis:

This is one of the most visionary times of your life -- or perhaps one when you've never felt more trapped inside of a vision that you cannot manifest. I can say this: you're a lot further along in your process than you imagine. If you're developing an idea for how you want your life to be (and I do mean your most passionate erotic and creative life), then keep your focus inwardly. You have yet to discover the tipping point where what you align with in your internal world expresses itself as a tangible development in your outer life. This really is a matter of connecting deeply with the truth of who you are, which is often the first thing that we deny or evade. Let yourself be drawn to the strange, the unruly and mostly to the unknown. Gradually enter the space of the unspeakable. Make eye contact with others as you do this. Look for the people whose eyes seem to be questioning you back.

One of the most fundamental things I've noticed about my life, from a very early age, is that what's inside me often doesn't translate to the outside. There is a dissonance between the reality and the appearance. This has resulted in much frustration for me. I've found myself living a somewhat marginalized existence, meaning that I am experienced by others as something other than what I am, and I have been reluctant to push the issue, mainly because I can feel their need for me not to do so. It has contributed to numerous relationship miscues because I'm not necessarily who or what people expect me to be, as well as to a sense of isolation.

This is not a physical isolation, since I'm engaged in the world, but is at the level of wanting deep connection and not getting it. Hmmm ... this is a bit difficult to put into words. The deep connection I have with the world does exist. Being an empath, I have always known that connection, as a matter of personal experience. The problem is that it has not been reflected back to me, not acknowledged by the world, and in fact is often denied or actively resisted.

There's that dissonance again that I spoke of, which borders on paradox ... I feel so connected and so isolated, at one and the same time.  It's as if I know about a beautiful dance that we are all participating in, and that I want to experience openly with everyone... but we're not dancing. Or more accurately, people are dancing while at the same time insisting there is no dance going on.

I've thought it was just me who had that problem, but on reflection, I suspect it's pretty common ... perhaps even part and parcel of the "normal" human condition (at least as we've known it up to now.) Maybe I'm just more aware of it, or less able to go along and contentedly play the game everyone else in the world seems to be playing ... or something. People often remark on how "independent" I am. That's true, but there's more to it.

There's got to be a reason for the abundance of New Age "affirmation-visualization-create your life the way you want it" seminars and books, and I think this has a lot to do with it. People are reaching for something beyond what has been presented to them as the normal way to live, while they feel unsatisfied or even thwarted in living fully. Another culturally-typical way of handling (or denying) those feelings is through our addictive behavior ... alcohol, drugs, food, smoking, shopping ... anything to avoid getting out of the illusion and facing reality. That includes the reality of our deep needs and desires, the deep truth of who and what we are, individually and collectively.

Our culture teaches us that wanting to live happily and creatively is an option, not a necessity, and that it's even self-centered or frivolous. But I think it is essential for our basic integrity. "Integrity" means more than simple honesty. Think of the structural integrity of a building, which makes the building whole and sound, and fit for human habitation. Integrity is not a luxury, at least not any more. The survival of the human species depends on it now.

(By the way, for those of you who know I'm a Sagittarian and are wondering why I'm posting a reading for Pisces: in using astrology most effectively, it's important to consider your rising sign as well as your Sun sign. In some ways, a reading for your Ascendant (rising sign) can be more accurate than one for your Sun sign, because it takes into account your time of birth.)

Pushing the "age" boundary

Now this is inspirational:

56-year-old becomes first woman to swim Atlantic

SAN JUAN, Puerto Rico (AP) – Jennifer Figge pressed her toes into the Caribbean sand, exhilarated and exhausted as she touched land this week for the first time in almost a month.

Reaching a beach in Trinidad, she became the first woman on record to swim across the Atlantic Ocean — a dream she’d had since the early 1960s, when a stormy trans-Atlantic flight got her thinking she could don a life vest and swim the rest of the way if needed.

The 56-year-old left the Cape Verde Islands off Africa’s western coast on Jan. 12, swimming about 2,100 miles (3,380 kilometers) through strong winds and waves of up to 30 feet (9 meters).

[...]

My God, this woman is a year older than I am. You go, girl! (Well, I guess she did.)

This reminds me of how the Boomer generation has continually redefined what age and aging mean. Sometimes I think we're "the generation that will never grow up", in terms of a certain less-than-mature self-absorption, but there are good aspects to that as well. We have consistently refused to accept prior rules and assumptions about what is proper and possible. Say what you will about us, we're true pioneers, and probably will continue to be until the day the very last one of us bites the dust.

When I first began experiencing menopause symptoms eight years ago and sought out information and resources, it was all so "hush-hush". I've had numerous friends in the generation ahead of me, and none of them ever talked about menopause. I don't think it was just because they thought I wouldn't understand. It simply wasn't something you discussed openly. 

In 2001 when I went into bookstores or health foodstores, I felt awkward asking about menopause ... but I did, and spoke about it to all sorts of people as if it were just another topic of conversation. Which ultimately it seems to have become. Nowadays, there are menopause message boards, and mainstream media advertisements for remedies, and books galore on menopause, whose authors appear on the Oprah show.

I remember when I was in my late thirties, feeling quite ancient by the then-current standards of "youthfulness", and watching the 1992 Winter and Summer Olympics. There were numerous world-class athletes over the age of thirty, which at that time was really pushing the limit of what was considered possible.  Seeing them compete helped me past some limitations I had started to place on myself. In 2009, thirty seems so young; it's no longer a big deal to see someone in their thirties or even forties competing seriously in sports.

My first inclination is to think, "But that was when I was in my thirties. I was still young. I'm in my fifties.  It's different now." And I hate to admit it, but that's the mindset I've found myself sliding into lately.

And then someone like Jennifer Figge comes along to remind me, "Nope. You go, girl."

Groundhog Day

Random chapter of the Tao Te Ching:

54

Whoever is planted in the Tao
will not be rooted up.
Whoever embraces the Tao
will not slip away.
Her name will be held in honor
from generation to generation.

Let the Tao be present in your life
and you will become genuine.
Let it be present in your family
and your family will flourish.
Let it be present in your country
and your country will be an example
to all countries in the world.
Let it be present in the universe
and the universe will sing.

How do I know this is true?
By looking inside myself.

New wind blowing

First we had the succession of five winter storms, complete with a three-day blizzard, that kept all of us in the Pacific Northwest snowbound for ten days during December. That was unusual, even for the Columbia Gorge, where the winter weather can get a bit wild.

We had a few days' respite -- several days of rainy and unseasonably warm weather, reaching into the upper 50s F -- which melted all of that snow and allowed me to get my car up the steep driveway and park in my garage for the first time in three weeks. It also caused tremendous flooding and landslides all over Washington State and parts of northwest Oregon.

Now come the winds. There is a huge high pressure area that's been sitting over the Pacific Northwest for days, creating an inversion layer of stagnant air to the east of where I live. Since the barometric pressure to the west is much lower, the pressure differential is drawing air through the Gorge from east to west at extremely high speeds. That's not unusual in and of itself, but the length of time it's gone on is.

Here in the Western Gorge, we've been battered by gale force winds non-stop for four days. (We don't have the air stagnancy problem here, needless to say.) Since the temps are just above freezing, that gives us a wind chill factor below zero. The winds are so strong they kept blowing down the chimney and forcing the damper open. After a while, I gave up trying to keep it closed. (There's a glass door to the fireplace that keeps most of the cold air out of the house.) Where I am, on the bank of the river on the floor of the valley, I can hear the surges of wind barreling down through the Gorge, echoing off the cliffs, long before they get here.

In some ways, this is worse than a hurricane, in which you have maybe 12 hours of high sustained winds and then the system moves on through. Having to listen to the wind roaring for days, and not being able to get out and about, wears on you after a while.

It could be worse ... there's no precipitation. If it had been snowing while this was going on, we'd have eight feet of snow piled up by now.

As with the blizzard last month, it's been interesting to observe my response. I go through moments of being irritated because "it shouldn't be doing this for so long", as if there's someone doing it on purpose just to be ornery. Then I remind myself to relax and let it be what it is ... and let all of the old, stale air be blown away, making room for clean, new, fresh air, in which we can breathe deeply and freely once again.

Let it be

When I find myself in times of trouble
Mother Mary comes to me,
Speaking words of wisdom, let it be.

And in my hour of darkness
She is standing right in front of me,
Speaking words of wisdom, let it be.

Let it be, let it be,
Let it be, let it be.
Whisper words of wisdom, let it be.

And when the broken hearted people
Living in the world agree,
There will be an answer, let it be.

For though they may be parted there is
Still a chance that they will see
There will be an answer, let it be.

Let it be, let it be,
Let it be, let it be. Yeah
There will be an answer, let it be.

And when the night is cloudy,
There is still a light that shines on me,
Shine on until tomorrow, let it be.

I wake up to the sound of music
Mother Mary comes to me,
Speaking words of wisdom, let it be.

Let it be, let it be,
Let it be, let it be.
There will be an answer, let it be.

Let it be, let it be,
Let it be, let it be.
Whisper words of wisdom, let it be.

-- "Let It Be" , Paul McCartney/John Lennon

Incognito

I came across this just now and thought it was a lovely description of one of my "assignments" for 2009. Hmmm. Make that our assignment.

Meet me in Cognito, baby.
In Cognito we’ll have nothing to hide.
Let’s go incognito, honey,
And let the world believe that we’ve died.

Meet me in Cognito, baby,
Of course we’ll have to color our hair.
The best thing about life in Cognito
Is that everybody’s nobody there.

Meet me in Cognito, darling,
Sure, some may think that it’s rash,
But you’ll look chic incognito
With your fake nose and Groucho mustache.

Meet me in Cognito, baby,
We’ll soon leave our pasts behind us.
The present is always a mystery,
As the future never fails to remind us.

Once we’re alone in Cognito,
We’ll remove all of our clothes very fast,
But though we be naked as jaybirds,
At no time will we take off our masks.

Cinderella went incognito,
And it’s said that she had a ball.
It’s always midnight in Cognito
By the black clock at the end of the hall.

We’re destined to be clandestine,
Incognito is our very last hope.
I’ll meet you where the sun don’t shine,
With a fake I.D. and some dope.

So do join me in Cognito,
You know that I’ll never tell.
We’ll sneak in the back door of Heaven
And stroll unnoticed through Hell.

Incognito
Incognito
There, every day’s a surprise.
Incognito
Incognito
Where truth tells all the best lies.

(Those who travel in Cognito
-  Their very lives can depend on a hunch.
They eat intuition for breakfast
And sip cold paranoia at lunch.)

If you won’t meet me in Cognito,
Baby, I’m apt to go out of my head.
But if you really can’t handle incognito
Meet me in Absentia, instead.

The One Who Is Missing is missing,
He can’t run but He certainly can hide.
His ghost car is parked in Cognito,
Do you think He might give us a ride?

You play the game incognito,
You risk paying a very stiff price.
You’ll bet the ranch on Number 13,
Though that number is not on the dice.

No news is good news in Cognito,
Addresses are damn hard to find.
The queen of spades runs the mailroom
And all the postmen are legally blind.

Just because you’re naked
Doesn’t mean you’re sexy,
Just because you’re cynical
Doesn’t mean you’re cool.
You may tell the greatest lies
And wear a brilliant disguise
But you can’t escape the eyes
Of the one who sees right through you.

In the end what will prevail
Is your passion not your tale,
For love is the Holy Grail,
Even in Cognito.

So better listen to me, sister,
And pay close attention, mister:
It’s very good to play the game,
Amuse the gods, avoid the pain,
But don’t trust fortune, don’t trust fame,
Your real self doesn’t know your name
And in that we’re all the same:
We’re all incognito.

 

--- from the novel Villa Incognito, by Tom Robbins

Happy New Year 2009

2009 is an 11 year (adding 2+0+0+9, you get eleven). In numerology, eleven signifies spiritual transformation and understanding, and the interface of the physical level of existence with the mystical, the mundane with the archetypal. It represents the embodiment of the principle "as above, so below".

The number eleven is what's known as a Master Number, and with good reason. It takes mastery to contain and use that kind of energy constructively. It requires a lot from us, but in return, it gives a lot, too.

The eleventh chapter of the Tao Te Ching:

11

We join spokes together in a wheel,
but it is the center hole
that makes the wagon move.

We shape clay into a pot,
but it is the emptiness inside
that holds whatever we want.

We hammer wood for a house,
but it is the inner space
that makes it livable.

We work with being,
but non-being is what we use.

Namaste, and see you next year.

 

Deep Freeze

We've had some fairly extreme winter weather here this week; at a certain point last weekend there was even a blizzard warning nearby, although it didn't come to fruition. Last Sunday and Monday, the wind was howling through the Gorge with gusts to 65 MPH, which got to me emotionally ... a bit too much hurricane-like for comfort, plus it put the wind chill factor in the single digits.

The temperatures remained well below freezing for several days, with some dry snow on Sunday and Monday. The temps are a little warmer now (I never thought I'd refer to 30 degrees F as "warm"), with wet snow falling today and more snow and possibly freezing rain predicted for this weekend.

This is all still new to me. I'm still learning how things operate in winter weather ... what to wear when, how to drive, when it's safe to go out and when it's best to stay home, and how the weather patterns work (although I'm told this one is rather unusual.) I'm being pretty conservative about it  -- not taking any big chances, since I know how much I don't know, and asking for help when I need it -- but I'm already gaining some confidence. I feel like a baby learning to walk.

In the meantime, this has meant a lot of quiet time alone at home. Perfect winter solstice conditions, for contemplating and deeply letting go of the past, relaxing into the present, and preparing for the future. In a way, it seems almost like the "winter solstice" of my entire life, and perhaps the same holds true for the world. A sacred and powerful time.  At this moment, I feel stronger and clearer than I ever have.

The cats have been enjoying the snow, too. Malcolm in particular was beside himself on Sunday when the snow began to fall. That was during the windy period, so in addition to falling flakes, there was also blowing snow. It was a bit wild, to be honest, and Malcolm loved it. He was running from one end of the house to the other, racing from one window to another, sitting right up next to the window panes, getting cold and then jumping into the bed with me.

My home is heated by wall-mounted electric heaters. One of them runs along the baseboard underneath the big picture window in the living room, and you can probably guess what the cats' favorite place to sit and snooze is. That's Willow on the left and Lakshmi on the right.

The setting sun was making some beautiful light patterns on the snowy mountain ridges this afternoon, so around 4 PM, I went out onto my front deck to take some photos. At that moment a BNSF freight train passed by, heading up the Gorge toward the east.

Ripe

Little Zen Calendar entry for December 16, 2008, my 55th birthday:

A single red berry

   has fallen

      on the frost in the garden.

 

 -- Shiki, haiku

Stepping Stones

Learn the changes and then forget them.

-- Jazz musician and composer Charlie "Yardbird" Parker (1920-55)

According to the wikipedia article on Charlie Parker:

Parker played a leading role in the development of bebop, a form of jazz characterized by fast tempos, virtuoso technique, and improvisation based on harmonic structure. Parker's innovative approaches to melody, rhythm, and harmony exercised enormous influence on his contemporaries. ... He introduced revolutionary harmonic ideas including a tonal vocabulary employing 9ths, 11ths and 13ths of chords, rapidly implied passing chords, and new variants of altered chords and chord substitutions. His tone was clean and penetrating, but sweet and plaintive on ballads. ... His themeless blues improvisation "Parker's Mood" represents one of the most deeply affecting recordings in jazz.... At various times, Parker fused jazz with other musical styles, from classical to Latin music, blazing paths followed later by others.

I haven't been writing much in my blog lately. It's not because nothing's been going on. A lot has been, and still is. This is a significant time, a profound turning point. But it's felt as though reducing it to writing now would solidify something that doesn't need to be solidified yet. There will be time enough to do that, when it's time. I guess you could say that I've been busy learning the changes and then forgetting them. ;)

As a friend of mine once said, stepping stones are there for you to use in crossing the river. You don't pick them up and carry them with you. It may well be that some of those stepping stones will offer more than just a foothold in travel to my creative process and to my life; if so, they will show up again in one form or another.

Simple

Going into my birthday month, a random chapter of the Tao Te Ching. This one seems especially on point for me now. From what I can tell, it may be for many of us, in this time of great change that can seem overwhelming and confusing to the point of exhaustion, particularly for those who are (like me) super-sensitive. Although it is often helpful for me to think about things, this is telling me, among other things, to back off the mental analysis and just let myself be. What a relief. I can feel the burden lifting as I read this.

23

Express yourself completely,
then keep quiet.
Be like the forces of nature:
when it blows, there is only wind;
when it rains, there is only rain;
when the clouds pass, the sun shines through.

If you open yourself to the Tao,
you are at one with the Tao
and you can embody it completely.
If you open yourself to insight,
you are at one with insight
and you can use it completely.
If you open yourself to loss,
you are at one with loss
and you can accept it completely.

Open yourself to the Tao,
then trust your natural responses;
and everything will fall into place.

And it came to pass ...

Random chapter from the Tao Te Ching:

74

If you realize that all things change,
there is nothing you will try to hold on to.
If you aren't afraid of dying,
there is nothing you can't achieve.

Trying to control the future
is like trying to take the master carpenter's place.
When you handle the master carpenter's tools,
chances are that you'll cut your hand.

And from Osho's Transformation oracle, number 35, "Mastery of Moods":

Everything passes, but you remain. You are the reality; everything else is just a dream. Beautiful dreams are there, nightmares are there... But it does not matter whether it is a beautiful dream or a nightmare; what matters is the one who is seeing the dream. That seer is the only reality.

Not a bad place to be

My mind has boggled. It's still trying to figure out how to "be" in life, how to know whom to trust, and whom not to trust, and what to say and do, and when; and all the thinking has led down a blind alley. Nothing makes any sense any more. I give up.

In the absence of a self-centered or isolated perspective, our moment-to-moment functioning spontaneously manifests our natural embeddedness in life. This "true" self is neither inside nor outside; it is neither an inner life plan nor a union with a greater or transcendent Being. There is nothing "beyond" being just this moment.

 —Barry Magid, Ordinary Mind

200

I've been cheated
been mistreated
When will I be loved?

I've been put down
I've been pushed round
When will I be loved?

When I find a new girl
That I want for mine
She always breaks my heart in two
It happens every time

I've been made blue
I've been lied to
When will I be loved?

I've been cheated
Been mistreated
When will I be loved?
When will I be loved?
When will I be loved?

 

-- lyrics and music, Phil Everly

 

I don't know about you, but I've had about all I can stand of living this way. Are we ready to let go of our precious, closely-guarded identities as "victims", and find other ways of being here, individually and together, on this beautiful small planet?

 

Are we ready to actually enjoy life?

 

Are we willing to let go of everything that stands in the way of that?

 

Do we really have a choice?

 

To everything

Turn, Turn, Turn
There is a season

Turn, Turn, Turn
And a time for every purpose under heaven

A time to be born, a time to die
A time to plant, a time to reap
A time to kill, a time to heal
A time to laugh, a time to weep

To Everything

Turn, Turn, Turn
There is a season

Turn, Turn, Turn
And a time for every purpose under heaven

A time to build up

A time to break down
A time to dance

A time to mourn
A time to cast away stones

A time to gather stones together

To everything

Turn, Turn, Turn
There is a season

Turn, Turn, Turn
And a time for every purpose under heaven

A time of love, a time of hate
A time of war, a time of peace
A time you may embrace

A time to refrain from embracing

To everything

Turn, Turn, Turn
There is a season

Turn, Turn, Turn
And a time for every purpose under heaven

A time to gain

A time to lose
A time to rend

A time to sew
A time to love

A time to hate
A time for peace

I swear it's not too late

 

-- "Turn, Turn, Turn", words and music, Pete Seeger

 

There's only so much raging and weeping and fighting that a person can do. I've done my grieving and raging, and struggling to make things work for myself and for other people that simply aren't meant to work. I'm tired of trying to make sense of insanity. Trying to get people to listen to me and see me who cannot hear and see, and then descending into despair because I can't get them to do so; and feeling their pain and my pain, all mixed up to where I can't tell the difference.

Trying to make tigers not be tigers; or worse, not recognizing that they are tigers until it's too late. And doing things that aren't mine to do. Some of them never were, to begin with, and others have outlived their time. I'm tired of beating up on myself for not having realized that, and for having made mistakes. I'm tired of hurting.

I'm ready to move on. Anyone want to come along?

When in mud, make mudpies

It is a cool and misty autumn day here in the Pacific Northwest. A few minutes ago I hand-delivered my "Vote by Mail" ballot to the County Courthouse, a day ahead of the day on which the American voters will decide who shall be the next President of the United States.

Now I am looking out of my office window at the river and the Oregon cliffs on the opposite side. There is a slight breeze stirring the yellow leaves in the trees. Since we've reverted from Daylight Savings Time to Standard Time yesterday, it will be getting dark earlier than usual this evening; but it's already fairly dark now at 4 PM because of the overcast sky.

I am still recovering from the "big wind" last week. I am aware that the physical turbulence of the weather mirrors the turbulence, chaos, and constantly shifting energy that is all around us. That seems to be operating and manifesting on all levels right now ... from the weather to politics to physical health; quite a few people I know are feeling tired, out of sorts, if not ill and taking a while to recover. It applies on both the collective (even global) and individual levels.

The metaphorical image that has been coming up for me lately is mud. Mud is complex and confusing -- it's made up of all sorts of stuff, all mixed together. It is hard to navigate through, slows you down (you can even get stuck in it), and is downright messy. You can't drink water that's muddy or bathe or wash clothes in it. But as any potter or farmer can tell you, mud is also fertile. It's a substance which can be shaped and formed by us in the service of our creativity. It serves as the womb of our creativity.

A randomly-chosen chapter of the Tao Te Ching:

14

The ancient Masters were profound and subtle.
Their wisdom was unfathomable.
There is no way to describe it;
all we can describe is their appearance.

They were careful
as someone crossing an iced-over stream.
Alert as a warrior in enemy territory.
Courteous as a guest.
Fluid as melting ice.
Shapable as a block of wood.
Receptive as a valley.
Clear as a glass of water.

Do you have the patience to wait
till your mud settles and the water is clear?
Can you remain unmoving
till the right action arises by itself?

The Master doesn't seek fulfillment.
Not seeking, not expecting,
she is present, and can welcome all things.

And the words of the medieval British mystic Julian of Norwich:

All shall be well, and all shall be well, and all manner of thing shall be well.

Anyone up for making mudpies?

The Big Wind

This has been a tough week for me physically. 95% of the time I love living here on the floor of the Gorge at the narrowest part of the lower Columbia River (called "the Chute"), which has a micro-climate all its own. However, when the seasons are changing, sometimes a high air pressure system develops at one end of the Gorge and a low at the other end.

When that happens, very strong winds rush through the steep and narrow valley, creating turbulence and extreme air pressure fluctuations. It also blows in a bunch of air-borne stuff ... dirt, dust, pollen, and who knows what else. This can and does go on for days at a time. My eyes have been swollen and itchy all week. Sunday through Tuesday I felt headachy, and when the winds first began, sick to my stomach for a brief period. Now I'm feeling a bit weak and generally out of sorts. My body seems to be a bit "inflamed".

We had a brief respite from the winds on Wednesday, although there seemed to be an inversion effect going on that kept a haze or smog lurking about. Now the wind has resumed, and the inside of my nose has that burning sensation again. I love hearing the new alto windchimes I bought in September, but I don't love feeling off-kilter like this. Fortunately, we got some rain this morning, which has helped a lot.

Then on to winter. I'm ready. I'm ready in so many ways to move out of this odd time of instability mixed with inertia. Although with that Saturn-Uranus opposition around for another year or so, maybe we'd better get used to it. Change is in the air, literally and figuratively.

Practice

Observing the current bizarre and vituperative state of U.S. politics (and after all, the personal is political, and I've found that my own life is often a mirror of the world at large) ... for some reason, despite everything I know and have learned about life, it sometimes still surprises me to find out I'm not alone, that I'm not the only person to whom irrational and seemingly unfair things happen.

That sounds silly even as I write it, because it seems so obvious, and it is obvious. But I guess when you're in the middle of it, slogging your way through the swamp amid the "slings and arrows", it's easy to lose perspective and see the situation as confirming some shameful personal failing all your own, or a burden of pain that you alone are carrying.

Then I am reminded of how universal my experience is; that I am, after all, a member of the human race. I think, in fact, that's one of the most profound lessons this year has given me.

(14) A bodhisattva’s practice is,
Even if someone were to publicize throughout the thousand,
million, billion worlds
All kinds of unpleasant things about us,
To speak in return about his good qualities, with an attitude of love.

(15) A bodhisattva’s practice is,
Even if someone exposes our faults or says foul words about us
in the midst of a gathering of many wandering beings,
To bow to him respectfully,
distinguishing that he’s our spiritual teacher.

(16) A bodhisattva’s practice is,
Even if a person whom we’ve taken care of,
cherishing him like our own child,
were to regard us as his enemy,
To have special affection for him,
Like a mother toward her child stricken with an illness.

(17) A bodhisattva’s practice is,
Even if an individual, our equal or inferior,
were to treat us insultingly out of the power of his arrogance,
To receive him on the crown of our heads respectfully, like a guru.

-- from Thirty-seven Bodhisattva Practices by Togmey-zangpo
(Translation by Alexander Berzin, 2006)

The leap

It would be so easy right now to give in to cynicism and despair. I have to admit, I've done my share of that lately, and it has served mostly to bring me down. Do we look forward, or back at the past? The pull of the old is still there, even if it's just to grieve; but that's like going down into a pit, an energy drain, sucking the life out of everything. There is no energy in it -- except perhaps the energy of terror, and somehow that seems self-limiting, going nowhere -- and it gives none in return. Where the energy is, the joy and excitement, is in the new, even if we don't know what that is going to look like or how we're going to get there.

That takes a certain amount of trust, a willingness to jump off that cliff into the "wild blue", knowing that the experience won't be at all the way we've been taught it would be, or the way it has been before. The old landmarks are gone; the ideas and people and ways of approaching life that we used to hold onto for comfort and grounding aren't serving us anymore, and in many cases have been actively causing harm.

Thing is, do we have a choice? The old is dying; that cliff we're leaping from is the very last vestige of our old world, and at the moment we take flight, it disappears as well.

The good news, for me at least, is that not having any of the old things to hold onto has forced me to rely on myself, my inner voice, my feelings, my sensing. That seems to be the only solidity I have right now. No matter how shaky and goofy things get, that is the only thing that works for me -- when I do it.

I've been trying to get closure with the past, with certain people and situations; still trying to sort things out in my mind; but doing so has been dragging me down. It doesn't cause me to regress, because there is no going back. Instead, it's like going into a stall, or walking through mud in a fog; lethargic, not caring, almost a stupor. One thing that tells me is that the time for closure is over. If there is anything further to be done with or about any given person or situation, we'll meet up on the other side of the leap.

Random chapter from the Tao Te Ching:

46

When a country is in harmony with the Tao,
the factories make trucks and tractors.
When a country goes counter to the Tao,
warheads are stockpiled outside the cities.

There is no greater illusion than fear,
no greater wrong than preparing to defend yourself,
no greater misfortune than having an enemy.

Whoever can see through all fear
will always be safe.

Message for the Libra New Moon

Keep the faith, baby.

At ease in my life

Today I feel as if I am standing on a balance beam, poised on one toe, in the middle of an earthquake; yet life feels solid to me, that everything is as it needs to be and I am all right. Something to do with non-resistance, perhaps? Or maybe, just maybe, everything actually is all right.

A random chapter of the Tao Te Ching:

14

Look, and it can't be seen.
Listen, and it can't be heard.
Reach, and it can't be grasped.

Above, it isn't bright.
Below, it isn't dark.
Seamless, unnamable,
it returns to the realm of nothing.
Form that includes all forms,
image without an image,
subtle, beyond all conception.

Approach it and there is no beginning;
follow it and there is no end.
You can't know it, but you can be it,
at ease in your own life.
Just realize where you come from:
this is the essence of wisdom.