Integrity and deep truth

The PlanetWaves February "Eriscope" for Pisces, written by Eric Francis:

This is one of the most visionary times of your life -- or perhaps one when you've never felt more trapped inside of a vision that you cannot manifest. I can say this: you're a lot further along in your process than you imagine. If you're developing an idea for how you want your life to be (and I do mean your most passionate erotic and creative life), then keep your focus inwardly. You have yet to discover the tipping point where what you align with in your internal world expresses itself as a tangible development in your outer life. This really is a matter of connecting deeply with the truth of who you are, which is often the first thing that we deny or evade. Let yourself be drawn to the strange, the unruly and mostly to the unknown. Gradually enter the space of the unspeakable. Make eye contact with others as you do this. Look for the people whose eyes seem to be questioning you back.

One of the most fundamental things I've noticed about my life, from a very early age, is that what's inside me often doesn't translate to the outside. There is a dissonance between the reality and the appearance. This has resulted in much frustration for me. I've found myself living a somewhat marginalized existence, meaning that I am experienced by others as something other than what I am, and I have been reluctant to push the issue, mainly because I can feel their need for me not to do so. It has contributed to numerous relationship miscues because I'm not necessarily who or what people expect me to be, as well as to a sense of isolation.

This is not a physical isolation, since I'm engaged in the world, but is at the level of wanting deep connection and not getting it. Hmmm ... this is a bit difficult to put into words. The deep connection I have with the world does exist. Being an empath, I have always known that connection, as a matter of personal experience. The problem is that it has not been reflected back to me, not acknowledged by the world, and in fact is often denied or actively resisted.

There's that dissonance again that I spoke of, which borders on paradox ... I feel so connected and so isolated, at one and the same time.  It's as if I know about a beautiful dance that we are all participating in, and that I want to experience openly with everyone... but we're not dancing. Or more accurately, people are dancing while at the same time insisting there is no dance going on.

I've thought it was just me who had that problem, but on reflection, I suspect it's pretty common ... perhaps even part and parcel of the "normal" human condition (at least as we've known it up to now.) Maybe I'm just more aware of it, or less able to go along and contentedly play the game everyone else in the world seems to be playing ... or something. People often remark on how "independent" I am. That's true, but there's more to it.

There's got to be a reason for the abundance of New Age "affirmation-visualization-create your life the way you want it" seminars and books, and I think this has a lot to do with it. People are reaching for something beyond what has been presented to them as the normal way to live, while they feel unsatisfied or even thwarted in living fully. Another culturally-typical way of handling (or denying) those feelings is through our addictive behavior ... alcohol, drugs, food, smoking, shopping ... anything to avoid getting out of the illusion and facing reality. That includes the reality of our deep needs and desires, the deep truth of who and what we are, individually and collectively.

Our culture teaches us that wanting to live happily and creatively is an option, not a necessity, and that it's even self-centered or frivolous. But I think it is essential for our basic integrity. "Integrity" means more than simple honesty. Think of the structural integrity of a building, which makes the building whole and sound, and fit for human habitation. Integrity is not a luxury, at least not any more. The survival of the human species depends on it now.

(By the way, for those of you who know I'm a Sagittarian and are wondering why I'm posting a reading for Pisces: in using astrology most effectively, it's important to consider your rising sign as well as your Sun sign. In some ways, a reading for your Ascendant (rising sign) can be more accurate than one for your Sun sign, because it takes into account your time of birth.)

Comments

[Sharon]

This is a deep, thought-provoking post. There have been a few times in my life when I met someone who "gets" me, and that is the most validating feeling in the world. One such person was the professor who met with me before I started graduate school. Six months into the program I decided I had to quit my teaching job. At the beginning of the summer session I told this professor, simply, that I had quit my job. He looked right at me and said, "It's hard to have integrity, isn't it?" We didn't need a lengthy discussion; his question said it all.

[Kitty]

While as the psychologists say, validation is an "inside job", we humans have a need for connection and acknowledgement, to be heard and to have who we are reflected back to us. It's ironic, because at a certain level, we all "get" each other, all the time. We just don't realize it or show it.

Interesting that I'm posting this comment on Valentine's Day, because I suspect this has something to do with "love" ... but I guess that's for another blog post. :)