Life, Death, and the Internet

Interacting with people online is a very different experience from being with them in "real life". In real life, you know they exist because you can see them and touch them and hear their voices. When I'm online, reading what other people have to say and posting my own words, sometimes I feel as if we're just a bunch of disembodied minds, communicating with each other. Except that I know there are real human beings behind the words that appear on the screen.

The Internet is so fascinating. The possibilities for connection, learning, and creativity that have opened up because of it are endless, and expanding all the time. At the same time, as Michael at One foot in front of the other said recently about the Internet,

[I]nterconnectedness can have its frightening moments, or at least moments that give one pause. Never before in human history has such interconnectedness been possible.

The 'Net can be a tricky, even dangerous place. It seems to magnify the usual issues inherent in human existence and relationship.The question "what is real and what is illusion?" (and that question exists all of the time, even in real life, whether we admit it or not) becomes crystal clear on the Web. This may be the Internet's greatest danger and its greatest gift. The Internet is like a shape-shifter, constantly changing form, twisting and turning and moving beyond one's grasp. If you can learn to navigate that, to refine your intuition so you're not just relying on external cues, learning when to trust and when not, weighing the possible consequences, all the while maintaining your integrity as a human being ... well, you'll have tapped into something very powerful.

One of my big decisions whenever I begin an online presence is whether or not to use my real identity (or often, which of my online "identities" I'm going to use.) On many sites, there is a real need to be able to protect one's identity, in order to protect oneself, while still reaching out for support and community with other people. One of the downsides is that it limits our ability to help each other offline. That can be frustrating and even heart-breaking. Sometimes, humans just need a physical hug, and it's hard to do that in cyberspace.

Everyday I read what people post on their blogs, the things they are having to deal with, the serious decisions they're having to make, the ordinary and extraordinary crises they're going through. Sometimes I read about some challenging situation that someone is facing, and all I can do is write of my support and trust that they know what they're doing. I've been told that people online had the same feeling about me back during the hurricane. I learned first-hand about the power of the Internet during that time. In fact, the support of online friends whom I've never met in person kept me going, in some instances more so than the people in my "real life."

Recently, people I know online have experienced death of loved ones, death of online community members, life-threatening illness and accidents, and suicide threats. In "real life", the usual response to those would be, "what can I do?", and you can make a firsthand assessment of the situation. Online, the possibilities for direct assistance are limited. In addition, in two separate instances I have personally observed within the last three weeks, the question has been raised, "are these people who they say they are? Did this really happen? Maybe this is all a hoax." Sometimes I can see people holding back in their uncertainty or suspicion, not wanting to be made a fool of or feed something that ought not be fed.

With the Internet and human nature being what they are, those are not necessarily outlandish questions or concerns. On the other hand, if the situation is what it is presented as being, what violence are we doing to our fellow human beings (and ourselves) through our lack of trust and our accusations that what they are experiencing is a lie?

If I've only met you online, does that mean our support of each other is any less real than if we'd met in person? Are our hearts any less real? Are the things I'm learning here about myself and life any less real?

Ultimately, I have no control over what other people online do. I do have control over how I choose to meet what happens here. I think what it comes down to is that I am me, a living human being, and in order to maintain my integrity as a human, I have to reconcile my online life with my "regular" life. Because it's all "my life".

Comments

[Al]

Kitty,

A very reasoned and fair look at a very emotional issue. You are right, it is instinctive to want to maintain our own sense of control over the reality around us. In an on line world that is not only difficult, it is in many ways impossible.

Having been on both sides of the coin, the target of suspicion only very recently, I can say that neither side is a particularly pleasant spot to be in. I think for myself, and for my co authors at our site, the only fair, and therefore only option when there is doubt, is to raise it only if it is more than doubt. In other words, when it becomes fact, or when it has a very clearly injurious potential for another. Which really, is how I think most of us react in our everyday lives as it is.

The difference here I think is that if one is wrong in the accusation, unlike the "real world", the damage is more severe, and the effect is for the most part permanently cast, as the options for refute are few and awkward given the venue.

Our reputations on line need to be respected by each other and treated with the tenderness one deserves, simply being a fellow human being. Until such time as that respect is clearly violated, anything less is not being fair to one another, and ultimately is under-cutting the gift that free expression combined with human connection in this form provides.

Thank you for broaching this topic.

Al

[Camy]

The online world is, as you say, no different from the real one except that you are short of a few key senses.

When meeting people in real life you can see what sex they are, if they're young or old, attractive to you or not. In some respects the internet frees you from some of the problems associated with this: you have to judge people by what they say, rather than the way they look.

In real life some people are better judges of character than others. I tend to trust until I'm let down, which can lead to getting hurt. The only real difference is that it's easier to mislead people online.

[Kitty]

Thanks, guys. This is a very intriguing subject, and I think I'm not done with it by any means. It somehow seems to address something very basic about the world we're living in right now.

Camy, you're right. The Internet is an almost paradoxical place to be. We lose the input of some senses and gain some others. The potential of developing a heightened intuitive awareness, learning not to judge by physical appearances, and ...?

[marlaine]

i could write a book about the online relationships i've had...i started here in '97...and was quickly hooked
i've met people from here...and because i tend to idealize...the meetings were all quite disappointing :(

xo

ps i'm writing elsewhere - if you could email me, i can tell you where

[Kitty]

marlaine, I think that might be a book well worth writing. :)