A hole in the brain?

A couple of weeks ago, I started having dreams that indicated that my psyche is finally going back and processing what's happened since Katrina hit last August. I've paid a lot of attention to my dreams over the years and know the valuable information they can contain. So I've been having the intention for the past week of remembering the dreams I'm having now. In the past, I've had no difficulty doing this. Apparently, that's not going to work at the present time.

I know that I'm having dreams, because I've been waking up a lot at night and when I do so, I notice what I've been dreaming. But when I get up the next morning, I can't remember any of them. I guess I could get up and write down the dreams each time I wake up, but then I might get no sleep at all.

This is unusual for me, but then everything is out-of-kilter for me right now.

I've been paying attention to what the people back on the Gulf Coast are experiencing. I talk to friends who tell me what's going on, and I read what some of the people there are writing online. Even though I'm not there, I'm still experiencing a lot of the same things. PTSD is PTSD, no matter where you end up after the traumatic event.

Here's what one person recently wrote in his online diary; he's an educated person, a school teacher and musician, so I think he's probably inclined to be more aware of what's going on psychologically than a lot of people, who are simply living it. The title of this particular diary entry was "A Season of Forgetfulness":

As the days go by, I find consolation in the number of people that I know who seem to be suffering the same effects as me. I hesitate to write anything that might smack of negativity, as I have gotten SUCH a response from friends and relatives over my last post that was "upbeat" -- sort of like "WOW! I'm glad he's over all of that 'hurricane stuff,' and is better now!" -- but sorry to say, it comes and goes ... comes and goes.

The latest "normal" for me is the fact that Katrina washed away a huge hole in my brain where my short-term memory used to be. Heather and I have both noticed a marked inability to concentrate for any length of time, for instance, listening to NPR stories on the way to work. We often realize that we've both forgotten what the story was about before it's over with. I used to read the comic strips every morning in the newspaper, but now I find myself unable to follow the narrative all the way through. ... I keep finding scraps of paper in my wallet (at least that is better ... I used to just lose them immediately) with people's names on them, and I remember the planned call or email, or contact that I forgot ... but then I forget again.

I'd be a little scared if it was just me, but it is happening to nearly everyone I know ... The fact that it's happening to everyone actually makes it scarier now that I think about it. Now is the time that we're all having to make really important decisions, and remember really important facts and figures for insurance purposes. Now is the time when we're having to decide how to rebuild our destroyed towns. But this is all happening while our brains aren't working optimally.

I've also noticed that my body is holding onto weight like it has never done before. From what I read, prolonged periods of stress, which creates overloads on the adrenal system, can do this. My body has never been this heavy, and it's just not comfortable.

I'm doing my best to trust that things will get better, that with time and therapy and patience, my body and mind will get back into balance, so I can go on to live a "normal" life again. It's hard to be patient, though ... scary and frustrating, actually. There are things I want to do -- get out and about to explore my new environment, for example, and start working again to support myself and contribute something to the community here -- that my body, mind, and emotions will not support me in doing yet. 

I have to do things in bits and pieces. Committing to a five days a week job, for example, or even committing to a weekend meditation retreat, is not feasible right now, because I never know when my energy level is going to drop or when the emotional stuff is going to hit, or when my mind is going to shut down and say "I can't deal with this anymore right now."

Comments

[alwaysdare]

Hi Kitty

This post seems pretty tough. I have heard a bit about post traumatic stress syndrome but not too much.

I don't know if this is wise or not so make sure you talk to someone qualified first. But my suggestion--which I've learned only recently is that sometimes I've found myself trying to 'fight' things in my mind and that every time I fight it inadvertently makes the thing I hate, stronger.

I've found a new way though and that is of letting it be. In battle mode I tell myself that I will allow my demons to come out. That I will not suppress them any longer.

I don't let all of the demons out right away as that is a recipe for disaster. That is like releasing all this energy that you don't know how to fight or deal with.

But if you resolve to fight your demons a little bit at a time and do not suppress your 'bad' feelings...then you find that you can detach and let go of these things that are hurting your mind.

I must stress that the attitude is that you are happy to confront your fears/demons/negative feelings and that you embrace and accept them as they are and that you don't attach to them because they themselves are impermanent, unsatisfactory and empty of inherent exist. Or in other words, your thoughts are NOT who you are, nor do they define you. Oh no...your thoughts determine your focus, which in turn determines your reality at this moment.

But slowly through positive conditioning and re-enforcement, you can re-condition yourself into a person who is more powerful and strong and kind and compassionate than you could have ever dreamed of previously. Why? Because that's what tragedy can do sometimes. It can either highlight the things that are going wrong for us...or it can show us the true light of what is going right for us--what we can and should be grateful for.

[marlaine]

just me...
i lived years without even noticing that i could not follow something through
i am thankful i notice now
and i know things will get better
for me
for you

[Kitty]

alwaysdare, I want you to know that I read your comment yesterday morning, and I've been carrying your words around with me ever since. (And today was one of the "difficult" days.) We can "know" something, but it seems like there's always another level of knowing. What you wrote is resonating with some part of me that knows at a deeper level. (Also, just so you'll know, the accepting and letting out of the demons, and letting it be, is part of what I'm doing with my therapist, although he hasn't put it in those terms. So what you said is very timely and appropriate.) :)

Marlaine, thank you so much, and yes, they will, for both of us. :)

[Michael]

Kitty, I also stress and then keep the body weight and its so hard to get rid of, particularly for me with my hypothyroid (even though I work out 6 days a week with cardio and weight machines).

I think that the poster regarding a hole in the brain as said it well. Its like small steps...one day at a time....rebuild building blocks and take your time....it will be a slow process and that's better since you want to be able to recover and come out of the eye of the storm strong and ready..not weak and then even more ill when it all overwhelms you. slow and steady and remember you are here, in the moment, its ok and you are ok...keep it basic, keep it real as you always do but as said by Morrie in "Tuesdays with Morrie", embrace the feeling, live the feeling, let it go and bit by bit..its going to be ok:)

You are always in my thoughts and sending you good karma. I still say that there are library filled books still yet to be written for the one event besides 9/11 that has changed our entire lives forever. I bet that when you are ready there is a photography book and a book in you waiting to happen:)

Rainbow Hugs and Love sent your way:)

Michael

[Kitty]

Thanks, Michael. I'm stll remembering how much your support last autumn meant to me :).

And I can definitely feel those books inside of me, waiting to come out. This blog is taking me somewhere, even though I don't know exactly where yet.