Feeling Overwhelmed

The cats and I arrived in Portland last night, a little over 24 hours ago.

In addition to being tired, I am also feeling overwhelmed. Partly culture shock, partly having to get used to a very different terrain from what I'm used to. My focus now is on finding a place to rent. Since a large portion of Portland's residences are rental properties, I'm finding that choosing a home is a daunting job, because so much is available in so many neighborhoods, each of which has its own characteristics. I keep reminding myself that I have only been here one day, and that I am doing remarkably well, considering all of the circumstances.

The friend with whom I'm staying temporarily congratulated me last night on getting myself through Katrina and moving, with 3 cats, to where I am now. I told her that I just did what I had to do. She responded, "yes, but you did it by yourself." And that's true, and it's something to remind myself. Fortunately, I've found my helpers along the way -- supportive friends, good massage therapists and counselors. Not to mention, other Katrina survivors to process things with, since they understand. That has been invaluable. No matter how well-meaning other people may be, there are things they cannot comprehend because they haven't been through it.

However, the bottom line is that I have no "back-up" in terms of another human being actually doing this with me, helping me make decisions and carry them out, handle problems as they arise, and share the risk-taking and possible consequences. I am doing all of that all by myself. I feel as if I've leaped out over the abyss, with no safety net and no one holding my hand. I do know that there are other people going through similar experiences right now. We're alone and we're not alone.

A couple of years ago, while I was dealing with a challenging family situation, it got to a point where thinking about it, trying to control it and figure out how the experience was going to affect my life, was of no help. At that point, I decided to totally open myself up to the experience and simply had the intention of letting it act on me. I guess you could call that actively practicing non-resistance or surrender, but the specific phrase "letting it act on me" seemed to be what I needed.

Driving around Portland this afternoon, I came to that same place again. I have no idea where this is taking me. I don't have the energy to try to "figure out" (in other words, use my right-brain intellectual or analytical skills) where I should live or what I should do. I don't even know right now how I feel about being in Portland. I'm having the intention of being guided by my intuition, but even that is taking some effort right now.

As in the earlier post-Katrina days, I'm having to take it step-by-step, day-by-day, doing the next thing that's in front of me to do, and only that. Just doing that is taking everything I've got. I'm not sure whether I'd call what I'm feeling now despair or panic. Some of that, but mostly I just feel worn out.

I've got a little ways to go yet, though. "Miles to go before I sleep" ... maybe not miles anymore, but certainly a few yards left.

Comments

[marlaine]

i hope things are going well for you in portland...what new challenges and experiences you have in store for yourself :)
you are doing marvellously...
xo
:)

[Michael]

Kitty:) Remember one step at a time..deep clensing breaths and let the fates take you where you need to be..it will all work out ok...After all you have the Kitty Kats to guide you and your heart, which is a big one and you haven't excellent intuitive skills...feel the moment, live it, embrace it and let the Portland beauty take you to where you will be happy...you will know it..and I have a sense you are there in the moment and happy and fresh and revived:)

Good Luck and Hugs sent your way!!

Michael