Posted from Dallas, Texas
In a comment to my blog entry about my final visit to Bay St. Louis, one of my blog's readers suggested that "[w]ho knows, in some weird way, this event could actually have saved your life in a way you can not yet imagine."
As a matter of fact, that thought had already occurred to me. I can clearly see a "saving" of my life in a psychological and spiritual sense. Before the storm, I had reached a natural "jumping off" place in my life. My old world didn't fit me any longer, and it was time to find a new home. However, I'd felt conflicted about making the move, due to various considerations; among them plain old anxiety about relocating cross-country. The hurricane removed all of those objections and in essence gave me no choice, no reason not to go ahead and move, and every reason to move. I couldn't return to where I'd been, physically and psychologically, because that place no longer existed.
More than that, though, what I've learned and seen the last 3 months has given me a clearer sense of direction. I'm starting to get some new ideas of what I'll be doing once I get to where I'll be living, and I find myself much less shy about putting myself forward. I still wake up in the middle of the night sometimes, feeling freaked out about things, but underneath it I feel myself relaxing into the experience and into life in general. I've got confidence that I can handle things, no matter what.
Whereas I already felt competent in life before the storm, this is something more than competence. It also has very little to do with controlling things. I think it has to do with a sense of perspective ... knowing what's important and what isn't, and being able to be real and authentically present with what is in front of me. Not looking away. That is pretty powerful. Makes all the difference, in fact, in one's ability to face life squarely, recognize what needs doing (as well as what doesn't need doing), and come from the right place in doing it. Non-resistance, non-attachment.
The first two weeks of September, right after the hurricane, my body was literally running on adrenaline, and for some time after that I was still operating from a sense of panic. I know that this reflected some deeper feeling about life that had always been there inside of me, that caused me to be constantly approaching life in panic mode. It appears that through the Katrina experience, I've gotten myself "all panicked out." There is very little panic left inside of me, and when it does start to rear its head, I breathe and come back to myself.
So where I am now, versus where I might have been had Katrina not destroyed my home and pushed me forward, seems like spiritual life versus spiritual death.
And actually, it may well be that Katrina may have saved my physical life. I am sure that there are gifts from this event that will be enfolding for the rest of my life.
Kitty, Mother Nature gave you a gift...a beautiful one to receive..a new fresh start and a metamorphsis as you blossom and evolve and grow and develop and feel free to be the Kitty you want to be:)
Safe travels and enjoy the scenery:)
My thoughts go with and I am excited for you and look forward to hearing about Kitty's Excellent Adventures as you begin your new life:)
Michael
Posted by: Michael | Wednesday, November 30, 2005 at 09:15 AM
Thanks, Michael. As Ted (Keanu Reeves) would say, "Be excellent to each other, and party on, dude." ;) Not a bad motto to live by. :)
Posted by: Kitty | Wednesday, November 30, 2005 at 10:18 PM
"I think it has to do with a sense of perspective ... knowing what's important and what isn't, and being able to be real and authentically present with what is in front of me. Not looking away. That is pretty powerful. Makes all the difference, in fact, in one's ability to face life squarely, recognize what needs doing (as well as what doesn't need doing), and come from the right place in doing it. Non-resistance, non-attachment."
Hi Kitty
To me, this section you talk about is pretty much the key to life. I think it's so good that you have this insight :)
It is truly profound :)
Posted by: alwaysdare | Thursday, December 01, 2005 at 05:00 AM
alwaysdare, thanks. I guess that speaks to the powerful effect that the events of the last few months have had on me. It has not been easy, but I know that I will look back on this time as a sacred time ("sacred" as in "to make holy or whole.")
Posted by: Kitty | Sunday, December 04, 2005 at 10:30 PM