Found this quote on The Buddhist Blog, from Zen Master Seung Sahn:
Clear mind is like the full moon in the sky. Sometimes clouds come and cover it, but the moon is always behind them. Clouds go away, then the moon shines brightly. So don't worry about clear mind: it is always there. When thinking comes, behind it is clear mind. When thinking goes, there is only clear mind. Thinking comes and goes, comes and goes, you must not be attached to the coming or the going.
Looking back at last week, I was aware, at the time it was taking place, not only of the painful mass of emotional feelings -- well, it was physical as well as emotional -- but also of the continuous, almost obsessive stream of thoughts that were feeding and interacting with the pain. It took all of my focused attention just to keep breathing and do some of the most basic daily activities. My recently effective attempts to "not go there" with the negative thoughts were like spitting in the wind. Likewise my attempts to understand why it was happening. On top of that, I was mentally beating myself up for not being able to control the counterproductive thinking. Nothing ironic about that, is there?
There was also another part of me just watching the show ... "well, look at this."
Fortunately, I've gone through this enough times before to know that if I just wait it out, allow myself to go through it, it will pass. Clarity will come. The part of me holding onto the pain, tightening around it, will let go and relax, even though while I'm down in it, it seems like that's all there is and it will go on forever.
Now that the sky is clearing, and I've been able to talk with someone I trust about it, I have more insight into the specifics of what may have triggered this latest bout. That is helpful, and I'm also looking a little more deeply at the mechanism behind it.
So don't worry about clear mind: it is always there. When thinking comes, behind it is clear mind. When thinking goes, there is only clear mind.
Last week, I was judging myself for not being able to stop the flow of thoughts and therefore, I deduced, the painful feelings. My attempts to do so were useless, and I thought, "that's a terrible thing."
In truth, what I hear Seung Sahn saying is, my attempts to control my thoughts are useless, and that's not necessarily a bad thing. Maybe a wonderful thing, even.
Thinking comes and goes, comes and goes, you must not be attached to the coming or the going.
James's comment about this on The Buddhist Blog was:
I often use the cloud/moon metaphor when meditating and having intrusive thoughts. I picture clouds that are covering and blocking the clear mind represented by the moon and watch them pass with my mindful breathing. This is a great metaphor meditation on clear.
One lovely thing about doing this as a meditative exercise is that we're simultaneously programming ourselves to be able to apply it in daily life when it's needed. In retrospect, I can see that I actually "did" last week more consciously than I let myself know at the time. I can also see the extent to which I was still resisting the experience (being attached to the coming and going), and the resistance fed into the pain.
Now that I've looked at this, I am rather curious to see how I will do it next time.
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